A mother's story

Two of my friends are expecting their first child. And they are both so happy happy happy on the prospect of welcoming their first child into this world. I say they don't know what they are getting themselves into. Having and caring for children is not exactly a bed of roses for most parents. It changes your live completely. Live as you know it will never be the same when you have kids.

So my friends, be prepared for sleep deprivation, say hello to stretch marks and saggy breasts and say good bye to long shopping hours, midnight movie outings, long and civilised dinner, your waistline and your bedroom action with your husband - they may be non-existence for a while, except for the waistline...you may never get it back.

Yet, strangely enough, I keep wanting for more. This is my story as a mother...

My first child was accidentally conceived 9 months into my marriage. So in the Summer of 1995, a year after our marriage, we headed back to Malaysia for wedding receptions at both sides. I graduated in that Summer, 5 months pregger. My husband, who was studying Chemical Engineering, still had 2 semesters to finish - it took a bit longer for engineering students to complete their course. So I decided to stay with him until he graduated despite my mom's plea to deliver my baby at home in Malaysia. My husband wanted to be there when his son was born and I didn't think I could live apart from him either.

So there I was, young and clueless about caring for a baby. I just turned 23 when Daniel was born on new year's eve, a year and a half after we got married. It was 7.30pm on 31/12/95 (Malaysia time - 8.30am 1/1/96). It took 11hours of labour to welcome him into this world. After 3 days in hospital, we took him home in our old Chevy Citation amid heavy snow. Once we reached home, reality then hits, how on earth are we going to care for this little human being. Luckily we bought ourselves a copy of "What to Expect the First Year". The book became my best friend. God wanted to test our patient and gave us a colicky baby. He cried like there was no tomorrow for the first one month of his life, every night without fail for a few hours. We did everything we could to make him stop crying to no avail. Then on the second month, he stopped crying.

After the 1month crying was over, Daniel became a happy baby. Taking care of him was quite easy. He stopped waking up at night for feeding at 3.5months old, thanks to the tips from his paediatrician.

My husband was working at night during his last two semesters to support me and the baby. But somehow living in the US poor is much easier than living here poor. Their standard of living was so much lower. Everything there was so cheap. Plus, I had support from the US government because I was breastfeeding. Their objective was to nourish the mother so that she could breastfeed the baby properly.

As for the hospital bill, the US government was generous enough to pay for it - thank God for Medicaid. Want to know how much was the bill? A whooping USD15,000, and it was more than 13 years ago! But the experience of delivering a child there was priceless, nothing compared to Malaysia. Their standard is far higher than us. They paid for all follow up treatments as well. We came back to Malaysia when Daniel was 6months old. The 32 hours journey home was a breeze.

My husband and I came back to Malaysia, with a degree, a spouse and a baby. That's 3-in-1 in just three years.

Having a child so early in life has made me mature very fast. Unlike other people, I never had time alone for myself right after graduation. But never once I regretted my decision to marry and have kid early. Should I can turn back the time, I'll do it all over again.

My young infant and I attended my husband's graduation in Spring 1996. Lucky for us, my husband was hired by Motorola before he graduated. Two weeks after we arrived in Malaysia, he started working there as a Process Engineer.

It took me more than four years before I was ready for a second kid - mentally, physically and financially. My second son was born 5 years after my first son was born. But he was born with a congenital problem - squint eye. The muscles in his left eye were not even. One was shorter than the other. How did I discover this problem? For the first 3 months of his life, he never responded to my smile. When I brought it up to his paediatrician, he referred me to an Opthomaltic Surgeon who then recommended surgery to correct the problem. We were told that his brain was shutting down one of his eyes and it was also affecting his other eyes. In other words, he can't see anything in the first 3 months, hence, he never responded to my smile. We went to a few doctors not just for 2nd opinion but for 3rd and 4th opinion. And all concurred that he needed surgery. So, at 5months old, my baby went for surgery. A day after he took him home, he smiled at me when he saw my smile. My heart melted...it was all worth it. He smiled at me for the first time...

When I think of mothers who have children born with more serious problems, I can imagine how they feel. When the doctor first told me that he needed surgery, I almost collapse in her office. Words can't describe how I felt at that time. Only a mother can understand it. I felt like I wanted to hold him and never let go...

Alhamdulillah all went well. He went into the operating theater twice. One to access his situation and a week later for actual surgery. The procedure was done at Damansara Specialist Hospital. However, his eyes are never 100% well. He often has headache whenever he has to focus at something for too long. It's straining his eyes muscle.

I told myself I'll be happy with just two kids. I didn't have the energy to have another. But three years later I decided to have another one. At 20 weeks, my OBGYN told me that I was having a girl. I screamed in the doctor's office so loud when he told me that. I'll finally have my own princess. Again, I told myself three is enough, it's a good number. It was already more than I could handle.

God wanted to test us again this time. She too was a colicky baby. She cried excessively for the first 2 months. I almost went into depression coping with her crying. Luckily I'm blessed with a husband who is so understanding. He held the baby at night so that I could rest despite having to go to work the next day. Brooke Shield wrote in her book on her post partum depression that she felt like throwing her baby out the window. That was how I felt at the time.

But again, three years later I decided to have another. And last year I had my girl on Nuzul Quran via emergency c-section. I had my tube tied during the surgery, a decision that I hope I won't regret. This time I really don't think that I'll have the energy to handle more babies. Age is catching up. 4 is really a good number - 2 boys and 2 girls. This last baby so far has been a pretty good one. Not a cry baby and not so fussy, unlike the others, alhamdulillah. I said to my mom that God finally gave me a good baby.

How have they changed my life? My life revolves around them and them only. Whenever I introduced myself in front of a group of strangers, I always introduce myself first and foremost a mother. A mother to 4 wonderful children - that's how I define and describe myself. Everything else is secondary....(except for religion of course)